Room 402, Dormitorya Tzara
8:00 PM

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Ulalume! Donde esta?

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Hola.

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Tito Tonyo! You’re here!

Come, make beso your tito.

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Hola, Maven. Como esta?

Hello, Tito Tonyo. I’m fine, thank you.

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What’s that you’re watching? I hope it’s, y’know, educational.

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The second teaser video of the new Mistula song! Come see!

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Mistula? That weird band?

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They’re not weird! They’re just … not your usual band. Have you listened to their songs?

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I didn’t bother. I’m sure I won’t like them. They’re in Filipino. You know naman I don’t understand Filipino.

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Well, too bad. Ulalume and I are Black Rosary members.

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We’re going to be roadies someday, Tito Tonyo!

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Que horror! Girls from de buena familias do not mingle with rock bands! Rock music is for the … hoi polloi. It’s not for the, y’know, social elite?

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Dude! They’re wearing black. They must be, y’know, Satanists!

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Priests wear black. Besides, their latest song is for the church. It’s a prayer, sung by a choir!

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Hija, don’t be deceived. Have you heard of backmasking? I’m sure if you play that song in reverse it’s all about devil worship! That’s what struggling rock bands do. They sell their souls to the devil for fame and money. The poor can be desperate, y’know, desperado?

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Ulalume, your uncle is weird.

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He’s not weird; he’s coño.

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Why don’t we just watch the FIFA World Cup and cheer for España, eh?

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See you later, Tito Tonyo.

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I’m getting so asar with this rock band. They should be, y’know, banned!


Asar is a Filipino word for “annoying”.

A NOT-SO-BRIEF EXPLANATION: A well-educated 12-year-old like Ulalume using the word “coño” might come as a shock to our Spanish friends, but in the Philippines, it is a derogatory term used to refer to a wealthy Insular Spaniard raised and/or living in a gated community.

The coño are characterized by their use of English and Spanish in daily communication. They awkwardly insert Filipino words in their sentences in an attempt to belong but cannot speak the language fluently even if they’ve spent most of their lives in the Philippines.

Since coño people live cloistered lives inside upper-class communities, they have a limited or perhaps, selective view of reality. They may not be fully aware that they reside in a third-world country and continue to deny the local culture, choosing to uphold the foreign traditions from their “homelands”, e.g. football, Easter egg hunts and Halloween costume parties.

In an attempt to hide their wealth, coño people dress in simple but unmistakably expensive clothes, not seeming to realize that the casual shirts and khakis they prefer only further accentuate their Caucasian features.

Most coño people have long Spanish names, passed on and retained within their aristocratic families. These are often shortened to outlandishly cute Filipino nicknames like Iñaki, Belay, Kayen or Jijo.

A coño does not usually know he is coño, like Tonyo.

Don’t get me wrong; we have a lot of coño friends. Tonyo might not be one of them.

Dormitorya Tzara tenants Ulalume and Maven belong to Mistula roadies, Krishna and Tin.

Tita Anj made pasalubong Tonyo’s Volks sneakers. Muchas gracias!